Busiest Time of the Year...

So it's exam time.... again. So much stuff to deal with.... parents, school, life in general. =(.

So where do I begin?
K so I've started counting calories again =D. I think I'm just gonna try to control something if i can't control anything else.

So today from breakfast: Banana bread, coffee, cheerios
Lunch: Apple, Banana
Snack: Marshmallows and Pocky.... I caved =(
Dinner: A lot of healthy food (basically whatever my mom cooks)
I'd say that's a pretty unsuccessful day =(

Anyway so today on the subway, shit happened like I was pushing my way off the train cause it was so crowded and no one would move. So what else could I do?
Then my mom talks to me about it and everything and then my dad brings in the whole race issue... like we're whatever so we shouldn't give the wrong image. OMFG... I can't believe he brought in the whole race thing.... We live in the 20th century and I know that it still goes on, but OMFG. Then my brother's being an ass in general.

I'm an angry person.... I think.... I'm not sure. The only things that keep me sane r my friends, my bf, nature (wonderful weather), reading, cool stuff that i randomly see, tv.... yeah. I've pretty much learned to adapt. Why is it that everyone thinks I'm so happy when I'm so sad inside? Is there that much of a wall? Today I was talking to one of my best friends today and she said that everytime she sees, me I'm laughing. But is it to cover up the sadness inside and I've just gotten so used to it I don't even feel it anymore? Is there anything that can change the way I feel inside? Can the 19 years of resentment, bitterness, sadness actually leave.. eventually? Will I ever be honestly happy? What is happy? What's sad? Maybe what I feel is actually happiness and that's as good as it gets. There's so many times when I feel like I'm happy, but I remember the sad times more =(. Whenever I hear that voice or see that face, even if only in my mind, I feel sad and angry. That person just represents all my problems... everything i hate about myself, everything that i don't know how to feel... all my guilt and shame. There's so many things i want to ask, but I can't.

My guilt level has risen because I don't know how to feel... I'm not sure... I can't voice it... it's so hard to say it. I can only hope that it will get better as time progresses...

for now...
study