now what?

k so i don't know how things could have gone in this direction.
now we're just friends and we're trying to get to know each other. I think perhaps this is what he had planned all along? I'm not sure anymore... He says if it was meant to be, then it was meant to be. Crap I deleted that convo... i guess it's better that i deleted it rather than read it over and over again... He says he wants to get to know me just like my friends know me and then see what happens from there. Yet he could be leaving in a year.... you guys have know me for more than a year and three months.... you've got to know me for 2 years and a bit.... well thuvi, we hit it off right away and you're one of my few best friends. I don't know what this means anymore... I'm gonna go crawl into my little corner and die.... that's seriously all I want to do.... I don't know if I should still be friends with him and keep my hopes up and risk getting my heart broken and have to resort to my little corner again or just let this go and save myself the pain, but keep questioning myself. I don't know I really don't know.... I just wish that there was a sign... I wish that life wouldn't be so difficult.... Most of all, I wish that this never happened and we were still happy and together.... I wish the same wish I had during my first break up.... but this doesn't constitute as a break up.... I just wish he would come back to me.... I don't know what to think anymore...
I just want to sleep and not wake up... I don't care about Christmas.... he says it's selfish for someone to want to kill themselves, but I don't care cause if this stuff keeps happening to me, is life worth living without love? I know u can be loved by friends, but what about the other kind of love? I shouldn't have called him.... friday shouldn't have happened.... not I don't even know what's happening between us.... it shouldn't be so difficult.... I'm writing this with tears strolling down my face and snot hanging from my nose.... if this doesn't constitute as hurt..... he's already hurt me.... now it's my decision if I wanna stay friends or not.... I still remember him saying "I don't want to break your heart" guess what buddy? I think you've done it.

On the other hand, it might not be as bad as I think it is and we're just friends to end all the physical stuff and focus on getting to know each other. Perhaps he has other intentions and really wants to make this work.... I'm just worried that if he knows more about me, he won't like what he sees and it will still be over and he'll leave in a year and I won't see him ever again. I'm worried that if he doesn't learn more about me in a year, he'll leave.

I'm really confused right now and I'm gonna go to bed. I just didn't want him to stay up and talk to me cause I know he has work. I wish someone were online so I could talk to them.